BLOG: Reclaiming My Parenthood
Three weeks ago my husband and I decided to transfer our two high school children from their “regular” public school to a charter school. Unfortunately, like many public schools in Hawai’i, our neighborhood school had to roll with the punches of emotional and situational turmoil caused by CV-19. This left many families scrambling for direction as the school year approached. In our home, a new school year always signifies renewed friendships, and a new level of learning and living for us. When I say “us”, I mean the whole ʻohana (family) because what affects one, affects all on some level. Even with all of the things happening in the government, socially, and economically in Hawai’i, I wanted and believed that having a successful school year for my family was (and is) possible.
Aside from wanting the academic and social support for my children, I needed the support as a parent. I needed to know that my kids would be in good teacher hands that provide academic stability and social consistency during this weird pseudo shut down time. With much gratitude, we found a school where our teenagers could feel safe and supported in their new learning environment this new school year.
The beginning of this year brought additional challenges such as using different learning platforms, adjusting to online-distance learning AT home, and figuring out how to build relationships of trust in their school communities. By all good intentions, I found myself being a “bumper” mom …lol… a parent that will help my kids (sometimes to a fault) to get them to where I THINK (face in palm) they need to be. After sharing my thoughts and fears with a team member, I realized that being a “bumper mom” would only be a disservice to them, and I knew they needed to take full kuleana (responsibility) of their academic and social success this year. As a feeling of discomfort washed over me, I soon realized that this would be the learning grounds for our children to practice “adulting” (aka: life skills). My discomfort quickly shifted to gladness, and I found comfort in knowing they are doing what I did, and what is needed to “grow up”.
As week one came to a close, they understood the expectations and settled into their various class cultures. So grateful for the helpful and encouraging teachers during this time of transition. Week two provided additional insight to where my kids stood academically, and the work they would need to put forth at a school whose focus is to have them college ready by their junior/senior year of high school. With a Cohort of 50 students per grade level, I believe my kids will discover what they want to do as a profession, and I hope, like most parents, for my kids to do what makes them happy.
On a Sunday evening of week three, I was logged onto my son’s Google account because he was having problems finding a specific doc. As I helped him search, I came across and file that said “Booty Drop”. Intrigued, I took a look at the file and discovered that he and a band member had searched and found sheet music for “Booty Drop”. Unfortunately, I noticed a strange email address that attempted to share a file with him. Of course, I clicked on the link that was flashing in electric blue print, and a picture of a topless woman jumping around filled the screen. A little embarrassed and confused, I shifted the screen to face the wall. In those less than 5 seconds of shifting, over 7 advertisements for adult sites filled my screen. I felt like I was being visually assaulted by body parts and poses, and OMG!
As I gained my composure, I just started laughing out of sheer anxiety. How would I talk to my kids about this? How can I find out why my son had this kine stuff on his drive? I quickly shared with my husband what just happened, and a look of confusion appeared as he said, “This cannot be his stuff. I don’t know what to say to him.” At that moment, I knew it was my kuleana (responsibility) to handle this situation.
I took a couple breathes as I sat down by my boy and calmly asked him, “Son what is this file for…the one that’s labeled ʻBooty Dropʻ?” He went on to tell me about a project he and his classmate worked on last year, and the grade they got. I wondered if he was testing me to see if I would crack. While maintaining the calm mom face, I thought about all the ways I could respond or question in hopes of him not shutting down or getting defensive. I thought to myself, “This cannot be the same kid that when a Victoria Secret commercial pops up, he turns his head out of respect and sheer embarrassment.” I decided to just ask him, “Hiapo, what’s this blue flashing link in this google doc?” He said, “I don’t know ma. When Jayden and I was doing our search, someone shared a file. I didn’t know the email address, so I didn’t click on it.” My sarcastic inner voice chimed “If this kid was playing parental chicken (because my kids do this with me…lol) He was about to crash head on to mama’s verbal ramming device” …lol...
In all honesty, I realized he was telling me the truth. I explained what clicking a link or accepting a strange invite could lead to. His eyes began to well up and began he exclaimed “that’s not my standards mom. I have my morals and virtue, and thats not my standards.” I realized sitting quietly allowed him enough mental and emotional space to check himself. I took a deep breath and responded “Hiapo, its just a conversation. I’m not accusing you of doing something wrong.” He settled. I felt relief knowing that there wasn’t serious consequences to work through with him.
This moment turned into a family conversation and gave us an opportunity to talk about our moral standards and personal values. Both of my kids had a lot to share about doing online searches and how different words will bring up some “really naughty” stuff that you weren’t looking for on social media and the world wide web. They shared some experiences their friends had with how it felt like they were being targeted by bad people because they are kids. They shared, and as a parent it feels wonderful when your children feel safe to share. Before the night ended, they asked me to look at their account settings and to help them adjust it so they wouldn’t be victims to the pilau-ness of the world wide web. As a mom, I recognized they asked for settings because they wanted to feel safe navigating the internet.
There was a sense of familial liberation, and a reclaiming of myself as a parent. In this moment, we “won” against the entanglements of the world. I know there will be many more moments where the influences and illusions of the world will knock at our door, and we may even open it and experience the consequences of doing so.
But for this moment, on this Sunday night, I was able to experience this parental “win,” and for that alone I am appreciative.